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 | |____  | |____  | |     | \ \ | | | |____   \ \ /
 |  ____| |  ____| | |     | |\ \| | |  ____|   \ /
 | |      | |____  | |___  | | \ \ | | |____   / /
 |_|      |______| |_____| |_|  \__| |______| /_/
 ____________________________________________________
 |ISSUE 4              MAGAZINE           MARCH 2006|
 ¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯
Yo, Yo, Dis is Mike, 33.3333333333333333(we need a 
fourth member)% of I Thought Of It First Productions
layin' ya down this phat issue of F to the E to the L
to the N to the E to the Y Magazine! Dig it!, An 'ere
goes a massive shoutout to da self-published comix
massive of Cambridge and Bristol, Az well as me homies
Mal-Chan and Jo-Otherone-PEACE!
Er, if you can forgive my typing like Ali G crossed
with the likes of SWAT Magazine in thier later, drug-
addled, homophobic, unfunny days towards the close
of 2002, you'll notice that i've made a new issue of
Felney Magazine! and about time too!. I've decided to
re-organise it, and just fill it with things i feel
like writing, it won't have the types of articles it
used to have unless i feel like putting them in, and
it wont be paticularly organised in a certian way or
have regular features either. This disorganisation, 
however, means it may actually be updated a bit more
often now XD.

   //_________________ 
O<<O MIKE            /
   \\¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯

-=CONTENTS=-

1-Some old articles from aborted issue 4, intended for
Jan '05 release
1.1-News
1.2-Chat Quotes

2-Gig Reviews
2.1-Saint Zoe, 22nd Feb 2006
2.2-Working Title, 14th March 2006
2.3-Saint Zoe, 18th March 2006
2.4-Stiff Little Fingers, 21st March 2006

3-Event Report
3.1-UK Web & Mini Comix Thing 2006
3.2-Bonus amusing thing thing!

4-Wrap-Up
-======================================================-

::OLD ARTICLES FROM ABORTED ISSUE 4, INTENDED FOR JANUARY
2005, FOLLOW::
               ________ ________
              |daily   v sport  |
              |truth   |========|
              |========|========|
              |===IN THE NEWS===|
              |========|========|
              |========|========|
              |________|________|

-=WILL THE NAZI=-
Some cunt in the monarchy dressed up like one of the Afrika
Korps at a fancy dress party, cue tabloid outrage and it
dominating the front pages for 4 days running on "some of
the more lowbrow" papers XD. Then the usual whinging letters
saying things like "He is insulting britian" and "The queen
mother would be turning in her grave!". Well, lets make
jokes about that:
1: The obvious
Insulting britian? but isnt nazism part of his history?
eh eh?, cause theyre germans? eh?
2: The Conspiritorial
But didnt the Queen mother support Hitler and want Britian
to join his aryan crusade?
And, to funnily reiterate somebody on the UKIP forums:
"Drop the monarchy? from what height?"

-=JERRY SPRINGER OPERA=-
Christian Voice and Redwatch: Same tactics, Same ideology?
(For those outside britian, Christian voice published the
addresses and phone numbers of BBC workers after they
screened the Jerry Springer Opera, a foul-mouthed satire
of that kind of TV show, and ecouraged people to go round
thier houses and kick thier heads in. Redwatch on the
other hand is a white-power website which publishes
the addresses and phone numbers of anyone it feels is an
"Enemy of the Aryan crusade" and encourages people to go
round and kick thier heads in) 

-=IRAQI PRISONER ABUSE=-
This scandal could be the start of something, any increased
attacks on British troops could increase the pressure for
them to be pulled out, leaving the americans in thier own
shit

-=UK GENERAL ELECTION APPROACHING=-
The ideal result would be the Lib Dems in Government, with
UKIP in opposition, so we get all the Lib dems common
sense policies, like free contraception for 11 year olds
and abolishing university fee's, but with the Opposition
ensuring we arent signed up to the classic-car-hating EU
and forced to join the single currency XD. Now go and vote!

-======================================================-
         ___    _   _              _____
        / __|  | | | |      /\    |_   _|
       | |     | |_| |     /  \     | |
       | |     |  _  |    / /\ \    | |
       | |__   | | | |   /  ¯¯  \   | |
        \___|  |_| |_|  /_/¯¯¯¯\_\  |_|     

"The Bar is full of chavs right now"
"Ah, they'll wait till theres about 40 of them, then have
an Aftershock between them and go and kill themselves in
a ditch"
"Heh, or do some donuts in a farmer's field"
"Yeah, passing a malboro light around..."
-Me and a drunk guy

*Girly rap song starts playing*
"Who the hell is this?"
"Its, er, Macie gray.. is it?"
"Nah, probably Britney"
"No, wait..its EMINEM!, its his more experimental side.."
-Drunk guy and other Drunk guy

"This woman will slice, chop, break and burn five men
beyond recognition..and there's not a jury in the
country that would convict her!"
-Trailer for "I spit on your grave"

"He's SLASHING thier prices, he's CUTTING their inventory,
He's CHOPPING until they all DROP!"
-Trailer for some wierd film

::::::::::END OF OLD ARTICLES::::::::::

-======================================================-
          _____   __   _____ 
         /    /  / /  /    /
        / /¯¯¯  / /  / /¯¯¯ 
       /__ ¯/  / /  /__ ¯/
         / /  / /     / /
        /_/  /_/     /_/
       |****REVIEWS****|

These arent so much Gig Reviews as diary-like stories of
what i did that night, which included seeing a band XD. I'm
shit with names and song titles (especially when the CD isnt
out yet... hehe) so dont expect me to remember that stuff XD

SAINT ZOE - CELLAR BAR 8, CAMBRIDGE - 22nd FEBUARY 2006
(Copied from my Myspace Diary)
I went to see a super-cool band last night called Saint Zoe
(check me Myspace friends list!), well i went to the usual pub
first for food (they do great pizzas!) and then went down there
at justr gone 7:30 ish, 'cause thats what the note in the foyer
said, but i think that was for members of the bands because there
was no bugger there, the organisers where talking about business
stuff in between sound checks and people where looking at me going
"Isnt he out of...?" XD.
I saw the bass player of Saint Zoe, Claudia (also check my friends
list XD) who seems to run thier myspace page too, but i was too
shy to say hello at that stage. By 8:00 ish some people started
to arrive, a lot of people in fact XD. I was on the lookout for
Tasha (also see my friends list...), who i expected to
A-have hair like in her pictures and
B-be tall (?),
but i couldnt see her. The first band came on, and the singer
looked like a girl who's pic i saved off Faceparty years ago
'cause she was sexy XD, but i doubt it was her, they did a
few songs i dont remember, and a cover of some 90's pop song
that i couldnt place (i'll hear it on the Radio at work one
day and be like "did'nt somebody cover this?" XD. The second
band where called Seduce A Stranger and the singer/keyboard
player (a few of thier songs had an electropop feel, and one
was rock XD) looked a bit like me, and had hair the
same length XD, that led to some confusion later in the night. Third
band where either called The Males or Nails, they where all girls
and had PA trouble so nobody could hear them.
It was about this time i spotted Claudia again (she dissapeared XD),
my incredible shyness prevented me from going over (and i couldnt
physically get there anyway, heaving was not the word...) but eventually
edged over that way and mumbled out "Er, are you from Saint Zoe?", and
it was her, she is also incredibly friendly, kind and easy to talk to. 
Tasha was also with her and looked absolultey nothing like i expected her
to XD, i thought they where sisters first of all, because they seemed
very close and both had crazy hairstyles XD, but actually they are just
friends, and the story of how they met is a giggle XD, but perhaps
i'll leave it to them to explain.
I talked to Claudia for hours while the PA was fixed (and she
reguarly had to hug people and our ears where assaulted by screeching
noises, and people carrying wires and speakers barged past XD), then
a few other bands played, but i wasnt paying attention so they all merged
into one, but Kyrbgrynder (or however they spell it) stood out,
well they tried thier best to deafen everyone with blasting
heavy metal (which is a good thing XD, you should hear it when
Iron Maiden's "Powerslave" comes on in my car).
Time was getting on and the licence only allowed to the music
to be played up to a certian time, Tasha re-appeared and said
she was going out for something, which i misheard as "Chips",
or maybe she really was going out for Chips, after 20 minutes
or so i went wandering around the streets looking for her
cause i wanted some XD, but when i went back she was there,
and had no chips XD.
Some bloke said he had seen me "Play at the Locomotive" and
didnt belive i wasnt in a band for a while, i told some
people i wrote songs (badly, i need to edit "Cortina Gang"
because it just wouldnt scan, unless it was converted to Rap,
but that would destroy the point of celebrating at car from
the early 70's XD) and they insisted i learn to play something,
well i did consider learning Bass once, to annoy the new
neighbours when they ruin our view by building houses right
behind ours (and by 2015, when Britian will be a puppet state
of the Totalitarian EU, in front as well). MAYBE i will learn
one day XD, but one of me new years resolutions was learning
another language to coversational level, so it'll have to wait
(oh yeah and there is those comic things too).
Anyway Saint Zoe eventually came on and the people that
where left really got into it with loads of dancing and
singing along, they where easily the band of the night,
with some great dance-able catchy rock (like SLF's latest
album actually, but not as political XD), then the organisers
announced which bands where "going through" (i dunno what to)
and insisted that it was not a "battle of the bands"-type
event, though it actually is, just a massive national tournament
 and this was just one of the opening rounds XD. Saint Zoe went
through anyway (of course!), and i hung around with Tasha a bit
more then went home, 'cause it was half past midnight.
Stopped off at Tesco for Red Bull to help me stay awake next
morning, and petrol... filling up the car ar 1:10 in the morning
is an eerie experience... you can hear birds, the pump you are
using, and thats it XD, no engines, traffic or slamming doors.
Oh and i tried out the Tesco self-serve checkouts in a deserted
shop, well apart from one woman with a cage and 6 chavs who had
all piled out of a Cavalier to buy thier one aftershock for
all of them XD

WORKING TITLE - THE LOFT, CAMBRIDGE - 14th MARCH 2006

I got an "Event Invitation" to go to this from Claudia on
Myspace, she is the bass player for both Saint Zoe and
Working Title, so i decided to wander along. After 
leaving work i hung around in PC World for an hour or so
looking at Laser Printers (for printing my comics in
decent quality in future, see the UK Webcomix Thing report
below for more info on that debacle). They didnt have any
that could print A3, so i'll either have to scale my comics
down (likely) or spend thousands (no way!) XD. Anyway, after
that i had some McTea (well it was Burger King in the
Grafton actually) and wandered over to Borders to buy the
latest Judge Dredd Megazine and also got a "How to draw
comics the Marvel way" book. I'll use it for pointers only,
i dont wanna draw musclebound superheroes punching each
other while ignoring the laws of physics and biomechanics,
i wanna draw Trasnexual serial killers slashing yobbos
in grimy market towns XD. After that i went for a drive to
find the place, i had a vauge idea from asking at Work
and looking on Multimap, in a dramatic break from my
driving-in-cambridge traditions, i actually found it!
after only one wrong turn too! After going right down
the road with some scum right behind me so i couldnt
pull in and park anywhere, i turned around and headed
back towards it, parking somewhere that said "Resident
permit holders only 9-6", of course i didnt know what
days that applied to, or if you had to pay to park
at all times (there where machines) in the end i
decided it was too cold and late for traffic wardens to
be out, so just left the car there XD. I went in and
up the stairs to the "Loft" part of the pub, where the
gig was, and paid to get in like 15 minutes early, but
as i knew someone there i wasnt just gonna be standing
around XD. I went down some steps and saw Claudia (she
stands out XD, check out me Myspace friends list if you
get a chance XD). After standing around for a while, the
first band came on, they where pretty good, played
more traditional blues stuff like there was in the
20's, but they seemingly only did 2-3 songs (but then 
i'm writing this several days later). Claudia gave me
a Saint Zoe (her other, really cool band XD) flyer, and
i asked about the mooted trip to see them play at some
place called W14 in London, with a bus to take the fans
there and back, like a football game XD. But she only
knew as much about it as i did, apparently their singer had
gone on about this stuff but never told the other band
members, or the manager XD. Ahh well he is so beautiful
he's allowed to get away with it hehe. Then it was
Claudia's band who where brilliant, even if the beads on
her hair where playing extra notes XD, they did all
covers, of "People who have been dead 50 years", i had
never heard the songs before so i dunno how accurate they
where. Then again covers should be altered and done in your
"own style" anyway, cause its better, and can be funny XD.
The third band where pretty good, even if they did rap, they
played real music while doing it XD, there was even a few
people dancing, at least one of whom knew the words XD.
Claudia's boyfriend turned up around that time, he is 
very cute, aww ^.^ XD. The last band ended so i hung
around a bit more, before giving Claudia a snuggle and
going home, listening to The Macc Lads XD.

SAINT ZOE - THE LOCOMOTIVE, CAMBRIDGE - 18th MARCH 2006

This one was fun ^-^, i drove into Cambridge and parked
around *CENSORED-I dont want everyone going round there
and nicking all the spaces!* with my brother, who was
off to see some bands his mates where in, I walked over
to Mill Road and kept trying shops until i found some-
-where i could get money out (some shop called "Drop
in" or something, dont get money out there unless you
really have to 'cause they charge. TOGETHER we, the
patriotic English people, can defeat the monstrous
charging cash machine!). I went to the pub and it just
looked like a normal pub XD, i wandered over to the back,
and saw a Saint Zoe poster next to a door, so i walked
in and there is a giant back room behind it, which is
larger than the actual "main" room hehe. I paid the bloke
and wondered why i had turned up 20 minutes "late" but
they where still sound checking and nobody was there XD,
after snuggling Claudia (as usual) i asked Mike (Saint
Zoe's utterly beautiful singer, with brown eyes XD) and
he said if they posted the true start time on the website
they would be halfway through the set before anybody 
turned up XD, so they put the time down as an hour earlier.
Also the start was a bit late because they rung up thier
usual drummer before the gig and asked him where he was,
and he said "Norway", so they had to find a new one XD.
I sat around for a while and a few more people appeared,
then Claudia confided that she wanted to make a birthday
card for her friend Tasha, who's birthday they had
planned to play on but needed to cancel. Unfortunatley 
they had no card, glue, pencils or, well, anything, so
had to cobble one together with some paper, old posters
and tape XD. I was tasked with "stalling" Tasha by stopping
her at the door, i got near the door and saw a big crowd
of people and "somebody short" in the crowd, which turned
out to be her, but she just ran right past and snuggled 
somebody, while Claudia moaned at me for being useless,
then Tasha vanished out of another door, i went to block
that one and she ran past me in the other direction again
before i knew what was going on, crazy! Anyway after all
that the first bloke came on, he was like an obscene Bill
Bailey, doing silly made-up songs on his keyboard and
gags, including ones about the evils of racism, which was
directed at Claudia, the only black person in the room-
"Oh sorry i didnt see Tasha because the lights are out" XD
He did a few more silly songs and swore a bit, then Saint
Zoe came on and did a load of cool songs that i cant
remember the names of, nobody was dancing 'cause we where
all too shy XD. They did "Clowning Around" which is one
of my favorite songs by them, even if thier hastily-found
drummer was half making it up as he went along, but did
a great job anyway XD. They played some song called 
"Underwater Radio" and took a break, i got chatting to this
guy about the differences between the comic and film of
"V For Vendetta" (which are both great by the way). And
i went to get some drink, Tasha and me talked about Mike
and the discussion degenerated into very base fantasies and
desires XD, I swear i saw him go into the toilet and not
come out, but he must have sneaked past because they started
playing again, so we all drifted back in. They sang
Happy Birthday for Tasha and then played her favorite
song, then did a slow one and i snuggled her through most
of it, and she was trying to get me to sing along but i
forgot the words hehe. They finished off with one more
song, and then talked about the "London trip" with a bus
organised, which is going to be incredible, expect a
review either in issue 5, or on the website, or my vaugley-
-planned VIZ-like magazine SCV XD. I talked to various 
people, with Claudia repeatedly apologisig for talking
bollocks hehe, i tried to leave but her and Tasha had a
crap-talking competition and i stayed for another hour
or so listening to them XD. I FINALLY managed to get away
though, and drove home with my brother (who had gone to
Man On The Moon after his mate's gig and seen some death
metal XD). On the way back i introduced him to the joys
of Terrorgrüppe... i dont think he'll recover any time
soon XD

STIFF LITTLE FINGERS - THE JUNCTION - 21st MARCH 2006

Yeah, a band you have actually heard of this time, at a
venue that isnt a pub XD. I left work and stood about in
Currys wondering weather to lay down £99.95 for a proper
(quiet) mini fridge for me bedroom, rather than the one
i currently have which makes a racket and needs to be
turned off at night XD. Went up to the Grafton Centre and
had the usual McTea before buying the VIZ "Silver Plated
Jubilee" book (which is cool, and gave me further 
inspiration for my Viz-like magazine SCV, in which you
may actually be reading this XD). I drove over to the
Junction car park and sat in the motor for a while reading
it, before wandering over to the Juction and joining the
qeue, wearing a wooly jumper and tatty jeans, and with
me long hair, i didnt really look like i fitted in with
the mohicaned punks in thier leather jackets, i avoided
eye contact XD. The qeue vanished for a moment, so i went
down to the door, it wasnt open, and everyone who was there
came back and lined up behind me, i dunno what that was
about but a few more punks that turned up after and saw
me at the front of the line must have wondered if they
where in the right place XD. FINALLY (like 15 minutes
later than the advertised "door" time) we where allowed
in and i picked up my ticket from the counter, deposited
various stuff in the coat place, and went into the main
area, I immediatley got an SLF Hoodie and poster (oops,
left it behind a pillar XD) then stuffed those in the
coat place as well, i got some coke and went to look
at the posters in the entrance hall, there was some
punks standing around who laughed and said "Is it a
faggot?", because they are open-minded, so i went back
in the main hall and stood around awaiting the support
band, the one the previous year (Goldblade) where terrible,
so i wasnt expecting much, but this year they where
fantastic!, some group called Blood Or Whiskey, also from
Ireland, who played sort of 'Celtic Punk', as much about
penny whistles and banjo's as electric guitars XD, they
did 4-5 songs which had various punks doing thier best
impression of traditional medivil dancing, mixed with
moshing XD. I immediatley went over and bought thier
album (they sound better live, should you also own it
and think its not brilliant). The hall started to fill
up, until people where standing in the doors to one
side of the stage, where you could see preciseley twat
all XD. As with last year the Fingers took thier sweet
time coming on, between every song played over the PA
(Something else Irish but i have no clue what) people
would start clapping and chanting "Fingers!", eventually
they where just doing this non stop, FINALLY they played
some of SLF's Instrumental songs over the PA (people where
singing along to it anyway, though XD) and they came on,
Played 3 songs back to back, which started up a nice
mosh-pit. I forgot my belt and my trousers are too big
(they all are XD) so i just stayed on the edge of it
rather than venturing into the middle like last year XD.
The band had the original Bass player Ali McMordie back
for the first time since he left just before the recording
of the first album since their reunion (which would have 
been 1991's Flags & Emblems). They did a few more of the
ole favorites, like Wasted Life, and my second favorite
song, introduced as a "Tribute fo Simon Cowell, that over-
-paid talentless fucker", Guitar and Drum. I went for a
drink and some bloke shoved an  almost drunk pint into my
hand before diving into (onto?) the mosh pit, i didnt know
if he wanted me to drink it or hold it so i just put it
down and got some more coke XD, i stood on the sides as
they did Fly The Flag before going back into the pit,
mumbling"Which way? follow the punks!" XD. I couldnt tell
if the punks in question where male or female as they all
look identical, because they belive in individuality and
are against fashion, but they where pretty good looking XD
The performance was over all too soon, but they did two encores,
Johnny Was and Alternative Ulster, people requesting some
ancient song they havent done for 25 years all along, which
Jake wasnt impressed by XD. After leaving there was a huge
qeue for the ticket machines at the car park, so i had to go
to the arcade under the cinema for change, the, drove
home listening to Blood Or Whiskey, getting very odd
looks from people spilling out of nightclubs XD.

THE ELEMENTS - CELLAR BAR 8 - 29th MARCH 2006

This was going to be a Saint Zoe gig, but unfortunatley
thier drummer was under doctor's orders to rest (too
much going to Norway), so they couldnt play, but
a band called The Elements very kindly stepped in to
take thier place. Now thier site said turn up at 8:00,
so i left work and had McTea (usually on Wednesdays
work people go to to the Burleigh Arms pub, where they
do nice food, but one of them very selfisly had a 
birthday and they all went somewhere posh instead),
i went down there at 8, meaning to ask the Polish person
at work what "Shop Sklep" meant* when someone Polish
came out of the Cellar Bar and tried to talk to me in
Polish. I just said "Yeah Saint Zoe cancelled but
somebody else is covering so it's still on" and went down
the steps, he looked quite confused XD. I got down there
and the door was shut, and there was no bugger there...
the usual 'Zoe trick of posting up the start time as an
hour earlier than the actual start time in action XD. I
walked around the grafton centre and various alleyways
to burn off the BK shite in my stomach, and went back
there at 8:30, now there where people there, one band
and one other guy XD. I sat around for a while faffing
with my mobile when Mike from Saint Zoe appeared, i 
said hello and happy birthday (him and Claudia, the
bass player, have the same birthday. My mum also used
to work with the Guitar player, small world XD), then
he dissapeared again XD. By 9:00 a few more people were
milling around, Mike showed up again getting everybody
to pay thier entry fee, a reduced £3 XD. Claudia also
turned up and i talked to her for a bit before the first
band came on, They are called Hallucinations, and are...
not my style, to be as polite as possible, they have a
pretty unique sound though, like a 60's hippy drug
fantasy XD. They did a few songs, with different people
doing the singing and guitar playing, and forgetting
what was next on the set list XD. Half the audience were
loudly screaming for more, so they did one more song which
was all bass and mouth organ XD, it sounded really
strange XD. They also had a few drum solos, like rock
bands did in the 60's and 70's, but these ones where
short and not annoying XD. Anyway once they sodded off
half the audience left, must have been thier friends 
just coming to see them play, i talked to Claudia who
had various foodstuffs hidden in her bag XD, we discussed
the delights of Hershey's Kisses, which are American
sweets that taste like a hangover. The replacement band
for Saint Zoe came on, The Elements, they where great XD,
really heavy and catchy rock with growling instead of
singing, but in a good way not a "Fear Factory" way XD,
the singer is very pretty too XD. They did loads of
songs, though buggered if i can remember anything about
them XD, they where all fast and heavy though. The end
came all too soon, i wandered over to the bar and the
singer came up, so i asked her when the album is out XD,
but it isnt yet but should be "pretty soon", i heard that
before XD. Some shitty song came on the PA, and the place
was almost empty by now (everyone sodded off and missed
the good band XD), so i went as well, and as i always say
who i listened to on the way home, it was Zeroscape, who
are great metal band from Canada who will be playing at
Man On The Moon on May 5th, so go and see them XD.

-======================================================-
   _   _   _   _   __         __  _____   ____
  | | | | | | //   \ \       / / |  ___| |    \
  | | | | | |//     \ \  ^  / /  | |___  |  ¯ /
  | | | | |  |       \ \/ \/ /   |  ___| |   <
  \ \_/ / | |\\       \  ^  /    | |___  |  _ \
   \___/  | | \\       \/ \/     |_____| |____/
           ¯   ¯        
  _____    ____    __   __   _  __    __  T
 /  ___|  / __ \  |  \ /  | | | \ \  / /  H
 | /     | /  \ | |   v   | | |  \ \/ /   I
 | |     | |  | | | |\ /| | | |   \  \    N
 | \___  | \__/ | | | ¯ | | | |  / /\ \   G
 \_____|  \____/  |_|   |_| |_| /_/  \_\ 2006

Thing 2005 was forgettable, mainly cause I had a
shitty delayed train journey and had not heard of
any of the comics or people there (Except Ping Teo
and Alan Foreman but I didn't know they went XD).
And Mal from High Maintenance wasn't able to go XD.
This year though, her and me decided to share a table
and pedal our own wares. This had already led to a
fun excursion to Staples to use their self-serve
copiers to create Scum Slaughter issue 1 (stories
1-4), I had also planned to have a "Best of Felney"
book and two spoof newspapers, as well as a free spoof
leaflet, but the copying costs (and whispering by
work-experience chavs) where getting annoying, so I
only had one comic to offer (I'll be buying myself a
decent laser printer soon XD). The cheap old copiers
they had meant that I also had the official worst
looking comic there, a fact I'm actually quite proud
of (as it is the most tasteless... a statement Mal 
may dispute hehe).

Anyway having got up at 6:45 to get washed and stuff,
I got taken down the station by dad (in the ole 1991
Toyota, it sounds great!), I had to get the train right
away as it was due in 2 minutes, so I didn't have time
for a last minute excursion to Tesco for pens, paper,
headphones for my PSP and other things I had forgot to
bring with me XD. Ahh well all I did with the PSP in
the end was re-paint my '57 Chevy Belair silver and put
red flames on it in Midnight Club 3. The ride up to London
was, in sharp contrast to last year, painless, it only
stopped at Waterbeach and Cambridge and then carried
straight on in speed and comfort... a rare thing! XD.
When I got to Kings Cross I went straight down to the
underground to buy tickets from the machines down there,
which I missed last year. Only to find they have been
taken out (but the building work down there is FINALLY
finished, what has it been? 7 years?). So I went back
up and got them from the machines at the entrance, no 
queues but very cold wind! The journey on the Underground
was, in sharp contrast to last year, painful... the pink
line and yellow line had been closed, so I had to get the 
green one, and then transfer to the black one, which came 
to a halt in a station, which was then closed XD. I got the
Red line and EVENTUALLY ended up at Mile end, a mere 15
minutes late XD.

Walked down the road, this time knowing what direction I
was going in (all the shops where still closed... on a
Saturday? Proof again that London should not be counted
as part of Britain). I got to the hall and talked to the
girl there, confusing her by saying the comic I was from
was "Felney, Scum Slaughter or High Maintenance", not
remembering we where listed as "I Thought Of It First"
XD. Mal came along though, and she had already got my
ticket thingy anyway XD.

So I finally met the great Mal, who is very friendly
and snuggly...aww XD. She's one of those people you
just feel better for knowing, that's two of those I
have met in the space of a month (t'other being Claudia,
the bass player with excellent local band Saint Zoe).
She had already set out her stuff, and stuck HM posters
on the wall and got the free cookies out XD. We read
over each other's strips, compared art techniques (she
does it carefully and properly, I don't XD) and caught
up on each other's comic making histories. The Con
opened at 10:00 and we where swamped by eager buyers
ignored, basically. A few people had a browse at Mals
strip, and got free cookies. I decided to bring the
price of my strip down to £1, as that's what Mal's
cost and hers was way better presented, with better
printing and paper, and all of the dialogue XD.

Mal started drawing a "Thing Diary" which will probably
go up on her site, wondering if the strobing wobbly
pencil she could see was hangover or lighting related
(lighting, since you ask, I could see it too XD). We
wondered what the rumbling and vibrations we could feel
coming up from the floor every few minutes where, and
concluded it was underground trains. Some more interest
from people happened, and we made a few sales, but we
couldn't give the cookies away. Some bloke handed me a
strip called "Rant!" which is absolutely hilarious! At
this time somebody on a table near us had ordered a
domino's pizza XD, the delivery guy walked past us with
a "what the fuck?" look on his face, on the way back he
took the most blatant look ever down Mal's cleavage. A
few people Mal had met in the (reportedly shit) official
hotel came over and said hello, a few even bought HM,
and disinterestedly glanced at my strip XD, one of the
makers of Reckless Youth chatted to Mal, I didn't mention
the free sweet swiping incident from last year. Then a
CUTE friend of Mal's came along, she had flown from Sweden
to get HM, that's cool! I sold her Scum Slaughter at
half of the reduced price too, recognising I was never
making a profit, or even breaking even XD. Mal started
off on a sketch for that girl and I decided it was time
for me to wander.

I headed right for Vented Spleen to pick up his new
number, passed Bollox and bought the (Hilarious) Edd
Egg stuff, and got the free strip that goes with that.
I went over and got the first strip in a cool series
called "Violent!" I'll be ordering the rest off their
site, it's excellent! Also picked up the Thing anthology
for a mere 50p, it looks real professional. Then I got
the best comic of the day- Brodie's Law, its the one with
Capris that was sold out last year, this year it was
completed and all in one book, which the creators kindly
signed for everyone, and threw in a free poster. The
story is brilliant, like a cross between Lock, Stock
And Two Smoking Barrels (Snatch was shit), Sin City and,
er, The Fantastic 4 if you only included the
shape-shifting bloke. And the price for all that was £10,
I'm sure once it becomes more famous the book will show up
in Borders for £19.99 with no free poster and not signed,
make sure you buy one off their website now! I got the first
two issues of Zarjaz, the 2000AD Fanzine, nearly everyone
who was selling more than one thing had a special reduced
price if you bought it all, except for them. Guess who
the only people I asked where XD. I also got Redeye, a
magazine about mini and web comics, which is cool. I
wish I had taken the plunge and got some comics I had
never ever heard of from random people too. If only to
encourage others to do the same, and buy mine XD. Next
year I'm gonna get like £50 in pound coins and buy
EVERYTHING XD, except stuff I already have XD.

Went back to the table and sold off a few more Scum
Slaughters, and a lot of HM's. Chatted to Mal a bit
more about things like how much bigger the con is this
year (probably double the number of tables?), and how
I wish I had got a copy of The Sun and left it in the
"Comics reading area" XD. Oh and dumping 2 or 3 Scum
Slaughters there too, just to 'seed' the area and get
people interested. Or at least to get them to notice
my memorable web address XD. This woman came over and
asked if we where the reading and writing team, so we
had to explain that we live hundreds of miles apart,
just do strips with the same theme XD. She showed us
some of her stuff, which involved people pulling steam
trains out of their pockets XD. I wish I had bought it.

Mal had to go and sell tickets for an hour, and during
that time I sold NOTHING, should have pushed the cookies
more XD. Some woman had bought some little kids in, as 
this was a "comic" convention there was bound to be
something for children right? She looked rather bemused
at the wall-to-wall castration and impalement (and that
was just our table!) on display and left, avoiding eye
contact (actually quite a few people slipped away
avoiding eye contact after looking through my comic XD).
Still maybe for next year (if there is a next year, I'll
be a student and all... and Mal might be busy XD) I'll
revive my child-friendly strip Cart Wars. Or maybe not
'cause it was crap XD.

Mal came back and started to draw picture 3 of the
Thing Diary, but couldn't be arsed XD. It was winding
down by now anyway... a few more people looked
through Scum Slaughter, and some old woman was so
offended by the title she didn't even come close XD.
At 5:00 we closed up shop and left, I went to the
bog and realised I had eaten next to no real food,
except a tuna sandwich, and only drunk a tiny can of
Fanta (next year I take a 12 pack of coke cans and
me mini fridge. LOL).

We rode the underground together for a while, and
only then did I chat to Mal about her vast range
of cool and funny life experiences around the world...
we had to part ways at one station so I gave her a
soft snuggle then went home, reading Brodie's Law
next to an offended woman. Having to wait at Cambridge
station for half an hour, at least I had something
to eat XD. Texted my dad as I left Cambridge station,
got to Ely and tried to ring him to ask if he was in
Tesco's car park, but it said his phone was off...
actually it was on and next to him, its just Virgin
are shite XD. Rang the house number and got taken
home, made a quick website update about the thing
and went to sleep.

Next day I opened my envelope of mysterious stuff
from Bollox, and got a thing to take back to their
table for a special prize (bet its a Boat), ahh well,
I'll have to take it to them next year now XD

And I still forgot to visit the Weebl and Bob table XD

******************************************************
*             BONUS AMUSING THING THING!             *
*As this report is just the same as the one that is  *
*on the normal Crystal Knights homepage, i thought I *
*would relate an "exclusive" amusing incident that is*
*not mentioned on there. At one point late in the day*
*some bloke came charging up from the other side of  *
*the room towards a crowd of people near our table   *
*(but not AT our table, mind XD), he barged into the *
*crowd and knocked 2 or 3 people down, as well as    *
*falling over himself, before picking himself up and *
*running away in the direction he came from, all me  *
*and Mal could do was look at each other, before she *
*went "That was like a drive by!" XD                 *
******************************************************

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Well its been a fun month o my life XD, lots of gigs and
things that i went to, which is reflected in the fact thats
the only thing this issue is really about. Expect the
next issue to materialise a bit sooner than this one did,
though i will be concentrating on my printed magazine SCV
as well, a few articles (political stuff and gig reviews
mainly) will probably cross over into Felney Magazine too,
meaning there'll be something to fill it, so it will
actually get done XD

AND FINALLY:
"i wanna learn mechanical stuff one day, right after
improving my art skills, learning another language
(probably German XD), learning to play something...oh
yeah and there is that Biomedical Science thing XD.
Not that you'll be allowed to maintain cars yourself
by 2015, anyone who opens the bonnet of thier car will
be arrested for inciting racial hatred and shot behind
the chemical sheds"
-Me on Myspace, to somebody who lives in London, where
classic cars are already illegal