England fans the length and breadth of the country breathed a sigh of relief with the announcement of England's placement in Group C of the world cup. The other teams in this group are the United States, where football is regarded as a girl's game, and Algeria and Slovenia, which are poor countries unable to invest much in player training or advanced facilities.

England Boss Fabio Capelli said in a statement "I'm glad we have been placed in a group with crap teams rather than good ones such as Italy, Germany or Portugal. If that happened we would probably be knocked out in our first game and back on the plane home before you could say jack frost. This way, though, we're guaranteed to get to the finals at least."

It is expected that England will win at least 3 of the four games against the other teams in the group, before entering the quarter finals where they will encounter a half-decent team such as France or Holland. This will probably result in an unconvincing, "scraped" victory and England facing either Italy, Portugal, Germany or Argentina.

"We're bound to get one of those four in the semi's" Capello said yesterday "where i confidently predict we'll go out on penalties - same as always".